Twitter….

….Social networking my arse. Once again society has fallen foul to internet takeover. I see that Ashton ‘Dude! Where’s my life’ kutcher has become the proud winner of the Twitter ‘Hall of Twats’ by being the first person to reach 1 million followers. I’m not sure wether Demi Moore is proud or jealous? Its a good job it’s 2009 cause 2000 years ago he’d have been called a messiah with that many followers.
So there are 1 million plus people who are hanging on the edge of their seats just waiting to see what Demi Moore ate for fucking breakfast. You fucking sad cunts.
Also, Twitter has been in the news because some kid “got bored” and decided to make a worm that would repost ‘tweets’. I’m not sure what is the best angle of assault here. The fact he spent the time writing a program to disrupt a site dedicated to spouting shite and not helping him become the next internet fraudster with a 25 figure bank account or the fact he ‘twitters’. Prick.

I still fail to understand how sites like Myspaz, Twatter and Face Butt all declare themselves as ’social networking’. The way I see it is that you are all UNsociable cunts who sit there, away from the real world and burdens of society, whacking off while Stephen fucking Fry minces on the ‘poop deck’. What ever happened to REAL friends and not just a name with a cunning avatar?

The Human Race…

… Did the Americans lose it?

Jam on toast…

..Must you have it with butter? Choose one OR the other you fat cunts.

Jade Goody finally gets good news…..

…..She managed to get a tenner for her hairdryer on E-BaY. Not like she gonna need it any more!

Who you gonna call?…….

   

 

……Butt-Munchers!

 

 

ok, so we have already dabbled on the fringe of my hatred for the company, concept and face of 118 (if not have a quick read of this first) so when I heard they had adapted the Ghostbusters theme song and paid (more than likely) an obscene amount of money to Ray Parker Jr. to star in the add and say “I ain’t afraid of no goats”, I was a little less pleased with the way Mr. Parker sold out to paedophiles in shorts. Come on.. Fucking GOATS? Thats like sayin ‘we can’t think of anything else that rhymes, so fuck it.. say goats’. Fucking pricks.

 So today, I decided to read the news. scouring through the media to find the most retarded story that made print in a vain attempt to confuse the masses that life isn’t really that shit. Then I found this headline:

Beatboxers remix ‘Ghostbusters’ theme

What? So I read it again:

Beatboxers remix ‘Ghostbusters’ theme

Still, it made no fucking sense. so I checked the date of the news article:

Page last updated at 08:17 GMT, Thursday, 5 March 2009

I tried in vain to remember falling into some time warp or something that would make sense of this absurdity. Nothing.

As the video streamed I read the story that followed:

“Three UK beatboxers recorded their own version of the famous ‘Ghostbusters’ theme song and put it on MySpace. But they were in for a surprise when the original songwriter and performer Ray Parker Jr got in touch to say he liked it.”

Well MC ZANI, BELLATRIX and TESTAMENT. You must be so proud. I pose the question though. Was this an idea of your fathers that got lost in the post? Between the 3 of you, you have an average age of an underage drinker. In 2009 what the fuck are you 3 doin ‘beatboxing’? Especially to a song released 25 fucking years ago. Thats like an R&B remix of Bing Crosby’s White Christmas. I see that Ray Parker Jr. got in touch to say he liked it. He also likes 118. And goats.

 To me, making it in the music industry, doesn’t quite cut it when Ray Parker Jr. reminisces about doin a beat box at the old diner before heading to see a James Cagney flick. 

 Do us all a favor and quit hanging around bridges with Ray Parker Jr. and stop doing that fucking retarded thing with your hand. It looks like you are having a seizure. Cocks.

Watch the video here.

Visit the myspace page and laugh here.

IM BACK BITCHES!!!

So it’s been about 8 month since my last post. It’s not that nothing has happened which has pissed me off sufficiently for me to feel the need to vent. Far from it my not so avid readers. I think of it more that I have been on a mental holiday. Anyhoo, I was asked from a new reader, “why haven’t you written anything since August?”  and to be fair, I don’t have a fuckin clue. It’s maybe something to do with the recession? Although this whole global economical failure hasn’t really bothered me in my shitty council house. It has, infact, had quite the opposite effect. All these cunts who look down at people who rent and not buy, are now faced with reposession and bankruptcy because they can’t make the repayments on their 100% mortgage, they are now faced with moving back in with their parents. Hahaha. You fucking losers. You gambled and lost. Now move along and stop fuckin crying. While my rent hasn’t changed in price and my job is secure  (Thank you Mr. One night stand) my dispensable income can now buy more due to electrical goods prices dropping hugely. So I now have a fuck off great big TV and it’s not on HP!  D

 

 So, the word on the street is that the blog is gonna continue to flow. I might even dabble with the world news stories and laugh at other people mis-fortunes. There is deffinatley gonna be a new category for all you XboX losers (like me!) to read how I manage to insult a whole continent by asking a fucking fat retarded American cunt if ‘he would like fries with that’ or if some spotty little Portuguese shit bag likes to be ‘cellotaped to the side of Spain’

 Stay tooned mother fuckers p

Running…

… Let’s leave that one to the guys, O.K. ladies?

Attempted suicides

Attempted? Are you ever gonna succeed at anything? Losers.

Congratulations on your performance…

 

… Here’s a fucking cup.

 

 O.K. So I’m sure you all know that I work for the C.S.A  and if you didn’t know that then you should have read this first. So anyway, it’s like 11a.m and as I’m using My best friend, Wiki, and  researching the Shetland Island (don’t ask!) and someone reaches over my shoulder and places a small white box on my desk. Now, being a government agent (technically I am) and working in the department I do, when I see a small white box placed on my desk and not knowing who the sender was, all I can think of is FUCK! BOMB!! RUN!!!

 After the adrenaline rush and the few deep breaths, I manage to muster the courage to look into the box of possible impending doom. Wrapped in that frosted type of plastic bag, I take out a cup. I can only assure you that I was faced with a greater sense nothingness and also wished it to now be a bomb.

 The cup itself wasn’t really much of a cup, but more of a plastic coated, plastic handled tankard emblazed with the motivational information that:

 In 2007/08 750′000 children benefited from £1billion in child maintenance all thanks to the CSA

And all I could think of is when I was a kid getting a t-shirt from my grand-parents that said “My friends went to Spain and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt” You know the one?  So I’m looking at the cup and reading the “In 2007/08 750′000 children benefited from £1billion in child maintenance all thanks to the CSA” and thinking and all I got was this fucking cup? Bastards.

Being the nice gentleman that I am, I give you the option to purchase this never before released mug from ebaY . Genuine bids only!

Click here to visit the auction! Happy bidding you fucking fools!

 

*Bah, plug pulled on the sale… 100 man hours wasted to deal with ‘cup saga’

Waste of time and money.

 AND THATS WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT.

118, can you help me……

… I’m looking for two cunts with gay moustaches!

 

 As you have probably guessed by my lack of introduction to these benders, that I don’t personally care too much for them. To be honest, I think it’s just 118 in general, but these being the ugly faces of 118, they get the brunt of my wrath.

 For the many lucky bastards who are unaware of 118, here’s a brief guide.

118 118 is a UK directory enquiries provider assisting customers with telephone numbers and information.

In the UK we all had ONE number to call to get the information we needed. 192 was a service provided by British Telecom and it worked. Full stop.

118 charges us 40p a minute, then offer the service of connecting us to the required number, failing to tell us they are gonna still charge us at THEIR rate of 40p a minute. The cheeky fucking bastards. So not only do they look like mincy faggots, they like to rape peoples bums. Disgusting.

 Working in bars for a large stretch of my working life, I was often met with stag/hen parties. As obnoxious and just blatantly horrible little cunts that some of them were, I never had the feeling to take a pint glass and insert it into someones eye more that when I had to serve people dressed as those anoying bastards. What is so cool about dressing up like a pervert?

 

 So to end quickly, 118 can just fuck off.