……One of these fuckers?
Alright, so we all go shopping and almost everyone uses a broken assed hop along trolley. I’m sure that we all know how to use them but who can actually drive one? I don’t mean who can push one of these around a packed Tesco or Morrisons and knock stuff off the shelves while smashing fuck outta my ankles. That doesn’t constitute driving. Fuck, I can tell people I can sing but I’m sure as shit that no one wants to hear it.
So my idea, after I over throw the government, make bacon cheaper and get rid of that gay ass semi-skimmed milk, I’m gonna introduce the Highway code to ALL retail establishments. How you all like that shit?
The rules would be pretty much similar to the highway code but re-worded as thus:
DO NOT stop or park
- near the fucking entrance, blocking the door
- anywhere you would prevent access for basket carriers
- at or near a chilled stock trolley
- on the approach to a special offer/reduced goods
- opposite or within 10 metres (32 feet) of a junction, except in an authorised descision making zone
- near the brow of a hill or trolley crossing
- opposite a special offer or (if this would cause an obstruction) another parked trolley
- where you would force other traffic to enter a staff only area
- where the aisle has been widened to help wheelchair users and powered mobility vehicles
- in front of an entrance to an aisle
- on a bend
- where you would obstruct a checkout designated for basket only shoppers except when forced to do so by stationary trolleys
(section 238-252 of the shopaisle code)
See, that part is user friendly.. you all know what I’m talking about now! It would be a world of sanity. Hers a few other changes:
- Lane markings
- No ‘U’ turns
- Traffic Lights
- Give way signs
- Roundabouts
- Junctions
The laws would be slightly different than the normal PLG license, where you can APPLY for a shopping trolley license OVER the age of 15 and UNDER the age of 60. If you commit a shopping code violation, then you will get points on your license. If you accumulate more than X amount of points within a given time period then you have you trolley license revoked and forced to be a basket carrier. I don’t give a fuck if you’ve gotta do a months shopping for a family of six.. You better bring them kids and their pals, cause you’re gonna need alotta baskets!
Senior citizens (over 50) will operate under the ‘I dont give a fuck’ section, whereas they get one chance… ONE CHANCE and if they fuck up.. better bring the grand kids next time, or grow some fucking arms!
People who stand there behind the dude with a handful of items in a trolley and COUNT every item then remark to their spouse “He’s got 12 items and he’s in the 10 or less aisle” will be taken outside and beaten with a big fucking stick!
For updates on my world domination and making the supermarkets safer places, please subscribe to my bi-weekly newsletter which you can find at www.DontBeACuntAtTesco.com
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